I apologize if the past pair of what some people are labeling ‘rants’ have migrated from my omniscient contempt of the world at large to focus on the political sphere, but these are issues that have floated to the surface of my mind this week.  What I am going to expound will no doubt fall squarely into the ‘No Shit’ category of conversations, but seeing as I exist smack dab in the center of my entire universe, I believe it deserves oration:

It’s a damned good thing that I’m not the President of the United States.  It would be MUCH too far outside of my abilities to resist the need to issue press statements informing supreme leaders that their motorcades should include a short yellow bus.

Iran has been issuing statements willy-nilly these past couple of weeks.  Apparently the entire country held what I loosely refer to as an ‘election’.  With millions of people voting on paper ballots across the big wide land, they managed to count the votes and declare a victor before the voters got home from the polling stations.  Neat!  That’s what the people of Iran are famous for, after all:  Efficiency, speed and accuracy.  Wait… that’s the Vulcans, isn’t it?  Well…

When asked by citizens and international news reporters alike as to whether there was a chance that the elections were not properly counted, the government issued the following statement as a response to the international community:

“This is the voters fault.  Everybody shut the fuck up.  The argument’s now over, and we won it.”

The voters reacted by doing what any freedom loving citizenship would do when faced with the threat of a corrupt election would do:  They twittered the living SHIT out of it.  The government was then left with the choice of addressing the fears of the people or stretching out their hands in an attempt to silence the flood of cries from the mob.  They chose the latter.  Of course.  Believe it or not, the internet doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether Allah has favored you above all to rule your country, and it’s gonna chug along just the same no matter how much you yell at it or pray for it to stop.  So the leadership issued the following statement to the press:

“This is the internet and press’ fault.  They all need to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.  Preferably, they will shut the fuck up AND get the fuck out.  And then I hope they all die.”

So, just like every population that is NOT America, the people took to the streets and didn’t go back home until their government, in an effort to protect public welfare, began shooting them in their faces.  When the international community reacted with a collective ‘They did God-damn WHAT?’ the Iran ruling supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, prepared the following statement:

“This is all Britain’s fault.  They need to shut the fuck up and mind their own damned business.  Obama is to blame too, but he doesn’t have to shut the fuck up.  He just needs to speak so that no one can hear him, and we’ll be cool.”

Then the Ayatollah threw up the horns and pointed to his homies in the crowd.  Next, they’re going to place the blame on Japan for obviously sending ninjas to destabilize their infrastructure.  Basically, it’s everyone’s’ fault but the people who perpetrated the election fraud.  Awesome.

In the dusty, spider web littered recesses of my mind the simple solution to this issue is apparent.  We need to box up Karl Rove and the board of directors of Diebold and ship them- on lease of course- to Iran to show them the proper and respectable way to fake an election.  Iran made classic iron fisted mistakes that most young nations do.  The biggest mistake that they made was when they didn’t allow the prerequisite two weeks of false investigations while they made threats to the opposition’s families and maneuvered their armed forces into place to quell any uprisings.  That’s just basic, man!  Even CHINA knows this shit!  North Korea… not so much, but then again they’re barely celebrating twenty years of working street lights.  So give ‘em a fucking break.  If we don’t, America will die in a fire storm born from their wrath.

That’s right.  The country that can’t even make a phone call to the other side of the world is somehow going to send a four ton hunk of metal to the other side of the globe.

It bears repeating:  It’s a God damned good thing that I’m not president.