We are all motivated by our fears, and that’s totally American.

When my parents were growing up they were constantly ambushed by uncountable and ineradicable outside threats.  Politicians and news reporters drilled fear of inevitable nuclear attacks and seemingly obvious communist infections on American culture deep into the budding personalities of the entire generation.  Fifty or so years later, the American people have outgrown their fears of the A-bomb and the commies hiding next door and replaced them with a much more fluid home-grown paranoia.  Some one should tell Fox News.

Fox News ran a report today that seemed aimed at convincing everyone that North Korea is going to launch a nuclear attack against Hawaii.  They ran a bright, shining banner across the bottom of the newswoman’s ample bosom that read “North Korea could launch nuclear missile towards Hawaii soon”.  To the average Joe Cantthinkworthashitovich that report is a chilling and ominous threat cowering over our great and glorious Union.  To thinking people that just means that they could launch a missile East.  That’s pretty much their only option!  If they launch it North or West, a billion screaming Chinamen are going to murder the shit out of them.  If they launch it South into South Korea, America will probably send thirty warheads right back at ‘em.  And the ones we send won’t be these little bitty 10 kiloton missiles that the North Koreans are planning on fizzing around.  Nooooo, it’ll be the 50 or 60 KILOton long range warheads that the military has been waiting to break out for special occasions.  Fox left that part out though.  Then they showed a commercial for fertilizer.  Appropriate.

We have Fox news on all day at my work, and it hurts my brains.  The real damn shame is that the only real choices for news are all toss ups between three American news channels, so it’s pretty much guaranteed that every report we watch is going to be either dumbed down, gussied up, or ran through the pot-filled opinions of a VW van full of hippies before it is spoon fed to the people.  We are given three options, just like you kids at home:

1)  We could watch Fox and listen to angry shouts describing how the country is going down the shitter.  It is also run by a bunch of shits.  According to ‘sources’ no one seems to want to do what is necessary to fix the problems that are making the shits flush the country down the shitter.  Apparently, if only we respected the holy living FUCK out of Sarah Palin and let Fox News run the country, all of our worries and strife would disappear.  Wait a minute… The GOP that owns Fox News DID run the country for 8 years, and that’s what plopped us chin deep in dirty toilet water!

2) We could watch MSNBC news and see how the great and powerful Obama will raise His hand and hold back the plagues of economic turmoil and disease.  We can sit back and be told about how within the great and illustrious Obama rests the key to your salvation, yea only through Him and His great works may our lives again be one.  Uh, OK… no one make any sudden movements in front of MSNBC.  The only monkey wrench in the gears of their philosophy is the simple fact that while it is indeed a greater comfort to me to have a leader that can both spell AND talk, he ain’t really done shit.  In my book, if you ain’t done shit, you ain’t worth shit yet, so don’t say that you fixed shit, ‘cause that’s bullshit.  Don’t mention this to the true believers, though.  I get the impression that they’re a hair’s breadth away from starting a religious war over their savior, and I don’t want to be the first body in that bonfire.  And that leaves us with…

3) CNN.  We have the choice of listening to semi-provocative, albeit painfully repetitive political, economic, socio-political, and economically political reports that attempt to unfold the issues that both bolster and flounder the current administration’s efforts to strengthen the country.  We can be presented somewhat sober and morosely entertaining vignettes that introduce the issues of the day, which the reporters then dissect, discuss, arrive at a mutual understanding, and then simultaneously reach the conclusion that the root of each cancerous issue in our nation can be traced back to the god-damn shit-eating, baby smashing, blood sacrifice drinking, donkey-raping Republican administration, who should all burn in HELL!  THEY SHOULD FUCKING DIE AND BURN IN HELL!!!!  BURN ‘EM!!!   BURN ‘EM AAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!  Don’t let the fact that they lack Fox News’ frothing at the mouth journalists or MSNBC’s wide, starry eyed stares fool you.  They are as tits deep in the spoon fed bullshit industry as their neighbors. 

The difference in the trinity of networks is that while CNN tries to fool their viewers into believing that what they tell them is non-biased, MSNBC tries to lure in viewers who are searching for something that they can both believe in and place all of their responsibilities and decisions upon. Fox just screams at people that what they are afraid of is true, and a lot of people gobble that shit up and ask for seconds.  I’m sure that there is an approach missing here that no one has yet tapped into.  If I could figure out and exploit the genre of type of news-tainment that the American people are lacking I could probably make a mint, as long as it doesn’t involve neutrally reporting events without bias or leanings.  The only thing that style of reporting does is educate the population and helps alleviate confusion and fear, and no one wants to sell that in America.  Serenity doesn’t sell fertilizer.