Grease Monkeys

I don’t Twitter, and that’s on purpose.

I also don’t update my MySpace page and I’m not on Facebook. I have successfully resisted the popular trend of imbuing the individual with a false sense of fame. It’s not that I believe that the practice is stupid… OK, it’s not JUST that I believe it’s stupid. I also am convinced that there is not a living creature on this earth, other than my cat, who possess the desire to have constant updates on my life. I’m just not that important. And neither are you. Tough love, homie. For true.

I understand people’s desire to monitor the daily minutia of the famous pretty people that they worship, but unimportant shitheads like you and me don’t need to make available an inventory of our whereabouts to half of the Earth’s population. It seems like these websites are the literary equivalent of masturbation, and when it comes to jerking off I am a stout traditionalist. All I see are heavy waves of the nescient masses pecking away under the false spell of their own implied celebrity, as if having constant updates to the nugatory details of their unremarkable lives somehow endows their tedium with an ageless value.

No, it really doesn’t. I know that there are those of you who disagree with my opinion. Some of you would argue that TwitterFacebookMySpaceing is a way to keep in touch with the people in their lives. Whereas I would normally counter any such argument by sticking my fingers in my ear and loudly replying that I can’t hear you, la la la, there is a question I would like answered. If TwitterFacebookMySpaceing is such a useful tool for keeping in touch with the four hundred and thirty seven thousand important people in your lives, why the fuzzy fuck do you call people up and immediately ask them ‘Hey, have you checked out my Twitter page in the past 3 minutes? I updated it. I wrote…’ and then the person quotes everything that they placed on their page. Why not just call the person and tell them this shit directly, bypassing the self surveillance?!? Know what that’s called? It’s called KEEPING IN TOUCH!!!

Now, that being said, I do think that we should force some people to Twitter, but that’s because some human beings are just too damned dangerous to let run free without at least a red balloon attached with a long string to their wrists so that everyone knows where they are at all times. Think about how much better the world could have been if someone like the Cambodian mass-murdering leader Pol Pot had Twittered, or Tweeted, or whatever damned made up word they’re using to describe the process.

As you can see, somewhere between eating ice cream and buying socks someone should have probably pulled him aside and given him a pretty stern talking to about how genocide hurts people.

I don’t Twitter, and that’s on purpose. I also don’t update my MySpace page and I’m not on Facebook. I have successfully resisted the popular trend of imbuing the individual with a false sense of fame. It’s not that I believe that the practice is stupid… OK, it’s not JUST that I believe it’s stupid. I also am convinced that there is not a living creature on this earth, other than my cat, who possess the desire to have constant updates on my life. I’m just not that important. And neither are you. Tough love, homie. For true. I understand people’s desire to monitor the daily minutia of the famous pretty people that they worship, but unimportant shitheads like you and me don’t need to make available an inventory of our whereabouts to half of the Earth’s population. It seems like these websites are the literary equivalent of masturbation, and when it comes to jerking off I am a stout traditionalist. All I see are heavy waves of the nescient masses pecking away under the false spell of their own implied celebrity, as if having constant updates to the nugatory details of their unremarkable lives somehow endows their tedium with an ageless value. No, it really doesn’t. I know that there are those of you who disagree with my opinion. Some of you would argue that TwitterFacebookMySpaceing is a way to keep in touch with the people in their lives. Whereas I would normally counter any such argument by sticking my fingers in my ear and loudly replying that I can’t hear you, la la la, there is a question I would like answered. If TwitterFacebookMySpaceing is such a useful tool for keeping in touch with the four hundred and thirty seven thousand important people in your lives, why the fuzzy fuck do you call people up and immediately ask them ‘Hey, have you checked out my Twitter page in the past 3 minutes? I updated it. I wrote…’ and then the person quotes everything that they placed on their page. Why not just call the person and tell them this shit directly, bypassing the self surveillance?!? Know what that’s called? It’s called KEEPING IN TOUCH!!! Now, that being said, I do think that we should force some people to Twitter, but that’s because some human beings are just too damned dangerous to let run free without at least a red balloon attached with a long string to their wrists so that everyone knows where they are at all times. Think about how much better the world could have been if someone like the Cambodian mass-murdering leader Pol Pot had Twittered, or Tweeted, or whatever damned made up word they’re using to describe the process. As you can see, somewhere between eating ice cream and buying socks someone should have probably pulled him aside and given him a pretty stern talking to about how genocide hurts people.