There is a person in my office who habitually rapes ears. She believes that she has the supernatural ability to prolong a fifteen second conversation to span five minutes. She actually doesn’t. What she does is fill the four minutes and forty five seconds following the exchange with verbal diarrhea about subject matter that I file under the heading ‘Things I Could Not Give A Fuck About’.
What is the defense against this? My officemates have begun messaging each other begging someone to call them on the phone so that they can politely egress from her unimportant ramblings. Myself, I just counter her rants with my Meth Face. The Meth Face is a variation of the poker face, but instead of trying to replace emotion with apathy in one’s facial feature the bearer replaces it with a tired, relaxed, and slightly insane stare of unblinking intensity.
We have labeled, or rather I have labeled, these verbal incursions ‘grenades’, hence my strip. Whenever she hears something that she wants to comment on… which is basically anything spoken aloud, and some things that are only thought, she just pulls the pin on her comment and lobs it over into my cubicle. This practice of hers has gotten so bad that I felt compelled to put this out on my strip, despite the fact that many of you will not find it as cathartic as I do.
Think I’m over-reacting? You be the judge. I have included below two examples of an average exchange with this person, time lapsed for the sake of brevity. For the extent of this exercise, we will refer to the offender as ‘Ear Raper’ or simply ‘ER’:
Example 1:
{Time index 00:00} ER: Wow you were late today! {Time index 00:04} Victim: …What? {Time index 00:05} ER: Why were you late? {Time index 00:09} Victim: Why was I…? I don’t think that’s any of your business. {Time index 00:13} ER: OH, don’t worry! I don’t care! Please! {Time index 00:18} Victim: Then why did you ask? {Time index 00:21} ER: Well, I’ll tell you, it reminded me of when my friend ate a box of matches… {skip to time index 01:37} …and my cousin Andrea was actually born with a penis! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. {skip to time index 02:47} … grey-green pus came right out! Hahahahahahaha. And you couldn’t imagine how surprised I was. But living out where I…. {skip to time index 05:03} … and that’s why you should never tongue kiss cows. Well, I should probably try to get some work done!
Example 2 takes place between two victims in a conversation unassociated with ER:
{Time index 00:00} Victim 1: Although many people refer to the Allied D-Day landings in Normandy as "Operation Overlord", the operation was actually called "Operation Neptune". {Time index 00:08} Victim 2: I know. The landings were originally known as Overlord, but in September 1943 the codename was changed to Neptune, and Overlord from then on was used to refer to the general Allied strategy in northwestern Europe. {Time index 00:18} ER: I have an uncle named Norman! {Time index 00:21} Victim 2: We’re actually talking about World War 2. {Time index 00:24} Victim 1: (to Victim 2) What the fuck is wrong with you? {Time index 00:28} ER: I knew that! As a matter of fact I know of a person who single handedly won the war with only a pitchfork and an onion. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! True story! Hahahahahahaha.....
I’ll spare you the rest of the exchange, but you get the general idea. At first I pitied her because it seemed that she was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Then, after being violated in my eardrums repeatedly, I realized WHY she was lonely. This woman’s tirades, according to the admin of this web site, should be classified as torture under the Geneva convention. And yet how does one ask her to kindly shut her fucking mouth… forEVER… without getting… you know… fired? I’ll tell you how. By ranting about it in an external media without mentioning names. That’s how, God damn it! |
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